I felt the post we spoke about needed to be added.
So in her own words…
Vulnerable post – felt called to share
So many things Id like to say and share about this experience but it’s going to take alot of integration on my part to find the wisdom in the madness. Many do this for their own personal reasons and I have no judgment for anyone but myself. This is my story from today’s perspective. For 7 years I wore these bags under my skin. I wanted them as long as i can remember. It was in vain. I paid alot of money thinking this would make me feel better about my stretchy belly after kids, and all other kinds of stories I would tell myself. They didn’t make me feel better they made me feel different. They made me feel stuck, they gave me pain, weakness, suffering and tension in my shoulders, upper back and neck. But I would blame that on my previous injuries and never thought to question my implants. They made me feel silly, embarrassed, I no longer looked nor felt like myself. I moved differently. It prevented me from doing alot of the activities that I liked, it prevented me from feeling deep connections when giving hugs, it changed how I slept because my arms had to find a new place to go. They wouldn’t move, nor mould to anything so it was hard to find clothes that properly fit too. I thought I would look less like an athletic boy and maybe be more feminine. Truth is, I felt like I had massive pectorals and walked around like I missed leg day all the time. I couldn’t stop feeling them, every pushup and id have a visitor in my armpit. Is this going to go away? I never got used to them even after years of having them. Exercise, a lifestyle I loved, became a discomfort and challenge and I got to a point where my body was so stressed, I was prone to injuries all the time. And depression. I carried that shame on my shoulders. I felt ashamed of myself. What did I do to myself? What do I need to prove? Why can’t i just be ok with my body? why do i care? This is what you have now, love it! What am I showing my daughter about good body image? What am I showing my son about women and will he have a distorted feeling about what’s attractive? Why is there a shame monster in my head criticizing everything? When we don’t accept ourselves, we fall trap to leaving it up to others about how we see ourselves. I gave my power away and now I’m calling it all back I surrendered and even though it scared the crap out of me, I knew in my gut it was what needed to be done. I had a consult and we were looking at mid-summer (gardening season and prime farming time…this complicates things) Then, the morning of March 17th when they called me with a same-day cancellation. Was I ready? Did i do what i wanted? I didn’t do my cleaning, can I really be not handling anything for a few weeks to heal? Thoughts racing, denial, guilt and reminiscing started creeping… i trusted the universe and ran. I cried all the way to the operation bed, terrified, afraid, grieving knowing this was the time I had been waiting for but scared as hell.Why are we ok with living in discomfort or holding onto pain because of fear of the unknown? I couldn’t even take it anymore!Holding onto pain and suffering was something I was contemplating because of a second of fear and doubt. Second-guessing my bodys clear yells that it needs to release this. Thing is, I needed to go through that fear to feel the freedom I can say I finally feel in my body today. My body and my gut were right.Forgiveness is what I’m practicing now. I thought I loved myself by doing these things for myself, but that had to happen for me to know what that really means to me today, so its a blessing im very grateful for (painful on many levels but I feel so free in ways mentally I never thought would happen for me), this experience is allowing me to see things in ways I couldn’t see before. Our society is a little obsessed with changing ourselves to the point of permanent damage rather than seeking to love ourselves and feeling good just being who we are and focus on being healthy rather than finding hacks to appear healthy at the expense of health itself. This spring, on my continued quest for more natural and healthy living, I share this story of letting go because I know I’m not alone to feel this way. Some love their new selves and it changes them in ways that are powerful and uplifting. This wasn’t the case for me and if I can help someone feel more love for themselves by sharing, who am I to hold this back. My body was fine before, it was strong and healthy, I beared and nursed 2 children…it was the ideas about my body that weren’t healthy and we are taught to dislike ourselves in our culture. Always something to fix, never content with simply being well. Looking back, my body is incredible! How was I not able to see, feel and believe that? So humbled by all this right now as I heal all the layers of wounds that come with this kind of thing. But the little things like lying on my stomach, hugging my kids next to my heart without obstacles, are things I missed so much! When you hold onto something too long, those muscles get tired, they get weak and they will scream until you listen. My shoulders and back where able to release their tension immediately after surgery. lbs off my chest lifted instantly followed by emotional release and pure gratitude for my body. I caused my body to be under chronic duress. Isn’t it crazy how we have adapted to walking around with so much pain and not think ” is this even normal”? No alcohol in over a year and still my adrenals where getting tired and my tension so high that everything was making me feel like too much pressure and then it turned into anger, resentment and no flexibility for anything in my life. Anxiety was my new normal. But i moved away from the city to have less stress.. what was going on? What am i overlooking? After some honest looking into myself, I knew that what I was denying was the obvious answer. Remove the foreign objects and maybe the body can relax and do its job. Already a week has passed without them, the fear is gone, tension is released and things are on the mend. I feel really good for the first time in a long time. The pain of the stitches is nothing compared to the physical and emotional relief of having them out. We cannot heal in the same environment that is making us sick, but when we change the environment, miracles can happen. I feel so liberated. Crazy experience and so much appreciation for the lessons that came with it. To my body … I’m very sorry, please forgive me, Thank you, I love you I feel like myself again